Rapunzel Meets Santa Claus in Hell

Rapunzel Meets Santa Claus in Hell, Tom Boyle, Street Saint Publications, 1999

These are tough times for Santa Claus. His popularity is plummeting, and the press, especially the tabloids, are circling like hungry sharks. Rumors abound that Rudolph is a mutant side-effect of Santa's toys, and that he changed his last name from Claws.

As an attempt at damage control, the first female elf, Lilacs, is hired, and given a senior position in the organization. Santa gets much too friendly with Ms. Lilacs, and is hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit. It gets thrown out of court (he is Santa Claus, after all), but Lilacs makes her point with a best-selling tell-all book.

Santa goes into seclusion for a year and loses a lot of weight. He decides to go to Hollywood, and reinvent himself as actor Nick Saint. Meantime, back at the North Pole, Santa has arranged for three clones of himself to be made in order to restore his reputation, Nice Santa, Evil Santa and Crazy Santa. It doesn't work properly. In Tinseltown, Santa is cast alongside Magdalena Chickone, a famous pop star entering the movie business. He falls (literally) into a very public, and scandalous, affair with her. Mrs. Claus hears about it, and immediately files for divorce.

Meantime, tired of waiting for Prince Charming, Rapunzel lets down her hair and escapes from her tower. Her beauty precedes her, so all the men in the nearby villages ask for her hand in marriage. She says no to all, and quickly gets a reputation as very anti-social. In another tower, she meets a handsome man named Damian. He is a great kisser, but he is also allergic to everything, so their marriage is brief. Rapunzel eventually finds herself in a modern suburb. She is taken in by George and Martha, a childless couple. Rapunzel gives birth to a boy, but doesn't know who the father is, Damian or a male gypsy she met in her wanderings.

After the baby is born, the witch next door steals it and won't return it. George and Martha are no help, so Rapunzel goes off to look for assistance. When she gets back, the witch's house has been sold, and George and Martha have adopted the baby and gone to their cabin in the woods. When Rapunzel gets there, she discovers that George and Martha are her parents. The discussion in hell revolves around things like Satan and the concept of free will.

The author packs a lot into 110 pages (the length of this story). It's a modern look at two famous folk characters, it's interesting and quite thought-provoking. This is really worth reading.